and so I cry in silence.

Yes, I cry in silence. I'm posting this here because I certainly CAN NOT post this on my tumblog. I'd prefer to keep this little something I'd be posting as private as it can be, open only to those people who can read through my heart.


Lately, I haven't been okay, aside from the fact that I was sick for 3 consecutive days, I had a lot going on in my mind, up until now. Work, friends, boyfriend, family, time. Yes, all of those. I try as much not to think about all of them at once, but I can't control my heart. Nobody ever can.


I'm a person full of rants, I know. I never stopped ranting about anything and everything around me. My blogs get filled with these rants that never really come to those whom I am ranting about. But who cares, right? Those are my rants and I just want to let them out. That's all.


This time, its different. I really can't hold it in, and I can't let everyone know about what my heart has in it, why it wants to explode so badly, making it harder for me to hold it in. I could only talk it out to a few friends, and to the person involved. Here it goes.


I am committed, yes. Everybody knows that. But not everybody knows what is happening to me and to my commitment. Not everyone knows that sometimes, no, most of the time, I am taken for granted. Not only that, I have been cheated on, not only once, and with the same people involved. Now tell me, do I have a reason to be happy?


Yes, I do. I have him. He's there. But not all the time. Often, he's the reason behind my rants, he's the reason behind my heartbreaks, he's the reason behind my tears. He's hurt me a lot of times yet I also gave him numerous chances that he only put to waste. I don't understand. Most of the time, I ask myself, 'where have I gone wrong?' or, 'was there anything that I wasn't able to give him?'. Things like these, that I know, nobody can answer. Not even him, not even myself.


But that's not the real reason why I am writing now. Those that I've mentioned before this paragraph, is only a way to show you why I am feeling what I'm gonna write next.


So things are going like this, yeah. I'm trying as much to be able to keep up. Just as I thought I couldn't handle things anymore, then came this guy who made everything feel lighter. Who made days brighter and who never failed to make me smile. Who was always there for me no matter what. Seemed almost perfect. But there's just one thing that's preventing us from being together, commitment.


Yes, we are both committed. But we are also hurt. But that does not give us enough reason to mess everything up just to be together. Hurt was never a good reason to screw everything up. And so we have to remain like this, until we both can't hold it in anymore. We just don't know when that day will come. And to be honest, I am frightened.


What makes things harder is that everyone else is pushing us together, when all we want to do is stay right where we are, setting up boundaries, as friends. This is for the reason that we want to protect the friendship we have, and that we don't want to mess up the commitments we're both in right now. Its just not that easy.


Well, to YOU, I just want you to know that I will never ever forget that night. Never ever. It was like I didn't want to let you go anymore. I don't really know what this is that I'm feeling towards you, but I can assure you that its making me happy, its really special. Its not yet been that long since we've met, and it hasn't been that long since we both admitted to each other that we like each other, but then I got so into you, and now its giving me a hard time trying to stay away. The way you hold my hand, the way you hug me, the way we kissed, its just not gonna leave my mind forever. No matter what happens, I'm gonna keep them here ♥. I hope I have made you happy during those times that we were together, panget. Thank you for making me happy. :')


--and then I burst into tears. :'(